It all started with the chicken gyro incident in New Mexico, when an innocent child ventured too close and was blinded in one eye by a stream of tzatziki sauce. In the ensuing court case, a liquid propulsion engineer recreated the stream under controlled conditions where it was used to kill a test pigeon three feet from the jury stand. The scientist was burned in effigy by PETA, and the judge ordered the jury to disregard what they had seen, but it was too late – the damage had been done.
Any law enforcement official may now stop me at any time within the borders of New Mexico and compel me to produce a state-approved feed bag. While I am no longer allowed inside Greek diners or restaurants, I must wear the feed bag when I enter any other eating establishment, even if it is to only use the bathroom (I found that out the hard way). Failure to do so can result in up to three days in jail, and potentially the confiscation of the illegally ingested meal through a forcibly administered dose of ipecac syrup.
It doesn’t seem fair. Don’t they think that girl’s screams haunt my nightmares to this day? Isn’t it punishment enough to know that the shard of cucumber that dislodged her cornea was delivered by my own negligence? Some might even question why I even continue to eat in New Mexico, especially since I live in Massachusetts, but it’s about a little thing called freedom.
Don’t even get me started about the shrimp vindaloo fiasco in Vegas…
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