My Burner is Possessed by Dark Spirits

I freely admit that I know very little about the functioning of my home’s burner.  I know that, when it is functioning correctly, turning up the thermostat causes the heat inside to rise and doing the opposite makes it fall.  Aside from that, what I mostly know is that it very rarely seems to function correctly.

There was a time when I naively thought that this was because the little gnome who lives inside of it had gone on strike and refused to shovel any more coal.  Being slightly older and wiser now, I realize this isn’t true for two main reasons:

1.  The burner in question burns oil, not coal.  The men who show up at the house periodically do not deliver a leather pouch filled with semi-precious gems to the gnome through a chute from outside, but instead deliver oil, on which the burner runs.

2.  The gnome inside the burner is not a gnome at all – it is some bastard form of mechanized homonculous integrated into the hellspawned contraption which (allegedly) heats my home, feeding on oil, while belching heat and carbon monoxide.

This homonculous is extremely tempermental.  I can not understand the frantic ticking of the infernal difference engine it calls its brain, but the slightest offence is enough to cause it to stop venting heat.  I sometimes think that the only reason it doesn’t reroute its poison gas into my house is because it knows that should I die, the flow of precious oil will cease…but it hates me.

I’ve had several workmen come to service the beast, only to have them leave some hours later with a very convincing (and sometimes detailed) explaination of what the problem was but I know the truth – that the homonculous hypnotizes them, and then whispers the lie into their ear so they can parrot it back to me.  They seal the behemoth shut again before leaving, hiding the thing inside from view, but it is only a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself.

At least, this is all what I’ve been able to get from the owner’s manual.  I’m paraphrasing parts of it, but I think for the most part I have the gist.

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